Loving someone the way THEY want to be loved

I’ve been noticing a trend lately on the Military Support Sites that I visit, especially around the holidays.

The trend is women planning gifts or romantic gestures for their men. Sounds nice, right? But…these romantic gestures and gifts seem to me to be things that these women would want done for them, not necessarily thing that their man would like/want.

My favorite example of this was a girl who planned this whole scavenger hunt thing with clues and gifts that eventually lead to a picnic in the wood with a surprise photo shoot.

Umm…I realize that I don’t know her husband personally…but I doubt that there are any men out there who would describe that as a fun day.

To me, this trend is more about just giving gifts. I think it’s easy for most people to figure out that a real gift should be something that the other person wants, not what you want.

But the bigger picture is the idea of loving someone the way that they want to be loved, not the way you want to be loved.

Some people feel loved when their partner touches them, physical contact makes them feel appreciated and valued. For others, it might be hearing “I love you” or having a meaningful conversation. For others it may be gifts, having your spouse come home with a Starbucks for you because they thought of you while they were out.

The problem arrises when two people in a marriage have different “love languages”.

If your spouse feels loved with physical contact, then all of the “I love you” and sweet words won’t make them feel as loved as simply holding hands.

And it’s hard to change the way you love someone, because expressing your love language comes so naturally to you.

So isn’t that more an act of love? To put in the effort to meet your spouses needs? To speak their love language?

Love your spouse the way that they want to be loved.

Advertisements

Are Break-Ups Bad?

I’ve been seeing a lot of break ups recently.

Two girls at my work were broken up with by their boyfriends and a girl who helps run the military support page that I am part of on Facebook was broken up with by her Marine.

I noticed something in common about everyones responses to the news of the break up; everyone saw it as a bad thing and many people said something along the line of “I hope you work it out and get back together”

Am I the only one who disagrees with both these statements?

I don’t think break ups are necessarily a bad thing. Are they painful? Heck yes. I cried for weeks when my first boyfriend broke up with me.

But does being painful make it a bad thing altogether? I don’t think so.

I think break ups are actually a blessing in disguise. They are freedom from someone who didn’t value you they way they should; from someone who didn’t love you the way you should be loved by a partner. They are freedom to find someone else; someone who will appreciate you for who you are and count themselves blessed to be your partner.

I’ve also never understood the break up and get back together cycle that some couples go through. The reason being, why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? That person looked at you and all you had to offer, and they decided “I don’t want that”. They took a long hard look at you and the relationship and said “nope”. Why would I want that person back?

I deserved to be loved. I deserve to be appreciated. I deserve to be with someone who knows what they have when they have me.

If the person I am with does not value me the way I deserve, then they are doing me a favor by ending things.

What do you think? Have you even broken up and got back together? Are there certain situations where it is beneficial? A

Soul Mate

This post was shared on my FB today, and caught my eye (catchy title: “my husband is not my soul mate” lol). It’s actually the second blog I’ve read recently about soul mates, so the idea of soul mates has been on my mind. The world is sending me signs, apparently!

I do not believe in soul mates. I’ve never felt that there was only one special person for me out there, only one person that I could live happily ever after with. I think there are many people that I could be compatible with. I think that I could be happily married to a man other than my husband.

With that being said, that does not mean that I want to divorce my husband or that I do not love him and will pass him up when someone else “compatible” comes along.

What makes Jeremy my “soul mate” is that I stopped looking when I met him. We are compatible and in love, therefore I chose to marry him and everyday I chose to love him and commit to him again. And I plan to do so for the rest of our lives.

So if one of my other potential “soul mates” comes along, they are out of luck, because I have chosen my life partner already.

I don’t believe that marriage and love is not our of our control, that we are “fated” to end up with a certain person who we have no choice over. I think when people view love as some magical unstoppable force, they take away personal responsibility. This author explains it perfectly:

But what happens to these people when the unstoppable and uncontrollable force that prompted them to start loving, lets them stop loving, or love someone else?

What happens is a world where most marriages end in divorce, and even those that don’t are often unhappy.

My marriage is not based on a set of choices over which I had no control. It is based on a daily choice to love this man, this husband that I chose out of many people that I could have chosen to love.

I like it better this way, with the pressure on me and not on fate, cosmos, or divinity. I will not fall out of love, cannot fall out of love, because I willingly dived in and I’m choosing daily to stay in. This is my joyous task, my daily decision. This is my marriage.

IMG_3301

“Maybe that’s what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all.”

Expectations

Yesterday I was annoyed with my husband.

This was the situation:

It was Saturday.

Jeremy had told me a few days earlier that he was going to work on his dirt bike and wash the Jeep on Saturday. In my mind, I had assumed that would take place later in the day, perhaps after we laid around in bed for a few hours and had breakfast together.

So when I woke up on Saturday morning to an empty bed, I was confused. Jeremy texted me that he was out changing the oil on his bike, exactly like he had told me he was going to.  I entertained myself for the rest of the morning, and then started to get annoyed that he wasn’t home yet, since I wanted to spend time together.

He ended up coming home around 4pm, which was when we were supposed to leave to go over to a friends house for dinner. He came home in a rush, showered and was ready to go with barely a hello kiss.

I was moody and annoyed, feeling like he was ignoring me and not meeting my emotional needs. I was thinking that he needed to apologize and be more romantic and affectionate since I had missed spending time with him all day.

As we were in the car driving to meet our friends, I realized that I was upset because he had not met my expectations. Expectations that I had not communicated to him. Expectations that were different than his expectations for the day.

I had expected to spend the morning with him before he went out to work on his bike. He had expected to work on his bike all day and run errands, which he thought he had communicated to me already.

Neither one of us was wrong, we had just not understood each others expectations of the other person.

Mediocre Love

“Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love should not be one of them.”

I saw this quote the other day, and it stuck with me because I’m not sure that I agree with it.

One thing that I love the most about my relationship with Jeremy is that it is easy. Our love is not one of highs and lows. It’s a steady and consistent love.

Perhaps that makes it mediocre?

I would never describe my love for my husband as mad or passionate. I would use words like: steady, reliable, comfortable, unwavering.

Maybe for some people that would translate to boring.

But for me, it’s everything I’ve ever wanted. I want a love that will last a lifetime. I want a companion to spend my life with. I want someone who I know will be by my side long after the “passion” has faded.

I don’t want madness. I want easy/effortless. I don’t want extraordinary. I want reliable. I don’t want passionate. I want steady.

184908_10150100358886819_3270682_n

Throwback Thursday: Our Love Story {Part 2}

Joe was the last guy I dated before I met my husband. He was also a Marine.

We met at a party on my college campus just a week before he deployed. We hung out a few times before he left, and when he shipped out to Afghanistan he asked me to write him. So I did.

I didn’t wait for him and he wasn’t my boyfriend, but we talked and got to know each other over the course of his 7 month tour. I dated a few other guys while he was gone, but I think part of the reason none of them ever got serious was that I wanted to be single when Joe came home, to find out if we had a chance at a relationship.

He came on in early May and the first week or so was amazing. He asked me to come see him the night he got home, he had bought me jewelry from Afghanistan and he wanted to make plans to take me out again.

But he slowly started taking longer and longer to return my text messages and wouldn’t return my phone calls. When it came time for us to meet up again like we had planned, he didn’t show up or call.

I used to be the kind of girl who would put up with that kind of behavior. I used to be the girl that would give a guy a second chance and  cling to a relationship. I’ve put up with being ignored, I’ve put up with emotional abuse and I’ve put up with physical abuse.

But after my first boyfriend hit me and I finally recovered from that break up, I told myself I would never let myself be treated as less than amazing by any guy.

Because I am a catch, and I deserve to be with a man who values what he has when he has me.

So I broke up with Joe, less than 2 weeks after we started “dating”.

That was on May 16th, the same night I went out and ended up meeting my husband. The night I met the man who treats me like a queen. The man who thinks my quirks are cute. The man who think he is lucky to have me as his wife. The man who loves me, for exactly who I am.

Sometimes I think it is poetic justice. That the day I cut someone out of my life who was toxic to me, I was reward with the love of my life. Never settle for less than you deserve.

To be continued….

tumblr_m7ve3xvOAq1rpl5uoo1_500_large

Love the noun & Love the verb

“Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get it’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day”

I learned something interesting at work last week.

Love the noun vs. Love the verb

Love the noun is that feeling you get when you look at the person you love. The butterflies, the tightening in your chest, the involuntary smile. Love the noun is the physical feelings of love.

Love the verb is how you show that love; the actions you choose to make. It’s coming home with a present for your partner because you saw something they would like while you were out shopping. It’s respecting their opinion and taking it into consideration when making decisions. It’s giving them the benefit of the doubt and trusting them. It’s sitting through football season when you could care less who wins.

Love the verb are the things you choose to do on a daily basis to show your partner that you love them.

Love the verb is what makes a relationship last in the long run, making the choice to love your partner everyday and to show them that love.

“But maybe that’s what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all”

Like being alone…

I know Jeremy is my other half because being with him is like being alone.

Now, let me explain that, because I could see how that could sound like a bad thing.

I love being alone, I think my own company is great. I don’t make myself uncomfortable nor do I don’t make myself angry. In fact, I make myself happy. I like myself and my own companionship.

And being with Jeremy is like being alone. I am as comfortable with him as I am with myself.

He is my other half. Living with him, loving him, being around him, it’s easy and effortless because it feels like an extension of myself.

In a lot of ways he is not like me, and I don’t mean to say that he is like my clone. I’m not big on co-dependent relationships. It’s more like a combination of different and similar qualities/attitudes/beliefs that still blend together harmoniously.

It’s so peaceful and fulfilling.