Who Comes First?

I talked a little last week about wives following their dreams and accomplishing their own goals, while at the same time supporting their husband in this military lifestyle.

I recently saw a related debate on Facebook and I’ve found that people tend to fall on two different sides of this issue.

1) First are the ones who put their careers and goals first, not moving with their husband’s in order to finish school or stay at a job that pays well.

“So many women put their lives on hold for their husbands. I understand that it’s apart of the military lifestyle. “You can always get a job” or “Marriage is a lifetime” comments. Exactly.. Marriage is a lifetime! I LOVE my husband, especially for the fact that he did not want me to sacrifice even more when I’ve already sacrificed so much. I love that it was his idea for me to stay in our hometown and go to school and work towards my degree. I also love being able to work for our money and not depend on him completely. My husband LOVES the fact that I’m not a “dependasarus”. I love being independent and helping towards our income.
It is so important to establish yourself instead of giving up everything, that won’t get you very far.”

2) The ones who put their husband’s career first, but still make the effort to work towards accomplishing their own dreams.

“I’m one of those people who doesn’t get it. I don’t feel like I’ve missed out on anything by living with my husband. I get the whole not wanting to give up on your dreams but it’s not hard to do both at all. If you think you can only have one or the other that’s completely wrong. I feel like when you’re married you should be living together not in two states. Marriage is a lifetime, and school and a job will always be available.”

I firmly believe in #2. I have lived with my husband since we got married, and I have still accomplished my dreams by graduating with my bachelors and masters degrees. Even if I get an amazing job after I graduate, I would still quit to move with my husband in January when we PCS. Because he is my husband, my life partner. There will always be another job and another school, but there is only one man that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I’m not willing to spend any more time apart from him than I have to because you can’t get that time back.

Which do you agree with?

9 thoughts on “Who Comes First?

  1. I feel like I’m in the middle somewhere. Like, I’ve been in college for almost 7 years. If I transfer NOW, I’d lose a lot of credits. We already have a TON of student loans for me, and we’re looking at a lot more. We’ve agreed that if he gets orders, it’ll be a live option for me to stay behind and finish my degree here. There’s obviously a lot of decision making and option weighing that would need to go into it, but we can’t really make those decisions until we’re faced with the specific circumstance. It doesn’t mean that I come first before my marriage or his career, it just means that we’ll do what works best for me, him, and us collectively.

    • I agree. I definitely think there are certain situations where it’s makes more sense to stay…like if you were a semester away from graduating or if he was getting out and moving back to where you are in 6 months, etc.

      But to me that still wouldn’t be ideal, I would prefer to move with him and transfer or find a new job if that was a feasible option. I don’t think that means I am a “dependapotomis” because I would put my husband first over a job or a school.

      • Of course it doesn’t. I think that there is nothing wrong with anything that you and your husband mutually decide is right for your marriage. There is no right or wrong answer, and there is no answer that is less respectable as long as it works for the both of you. What I find distasteful is when women (or men, I guess, but I mostly see women do it) shame other women for the choices that are made in their marriage.

        It’s the “wife wars” and the “you do it wrong” bologna that makes me want to smack women with rolled up news papers and yell “NO! BAD!” As long as everybody’s happy with it, who cares?

      • Exactly! Every marriage is different. What works for one couple may not be acceptable for another. It is nobody place to judge another couple for the choices they make.

  2. I’m clearly a couple of weeks late in responding to this, but I wanted to weigh in anyway.

    I agree entirely with everything in the comments! Relationships and careers are not black and white… What’s right for one couple won’t always be right for another. Personally, I temporarily chose my education “over” my husband. I received a scholarship that I held onto throughout my college career that allowed me to finish college debt-free. Had I transferred, not only would many of my credits have disappeared, but my scholarship along with them.

    Did it suck? Oh yeah. I can’t tell you how many times I called up my hubby ranting about quitting and running away with him.

    Was it worth it? Absolutely. College was important to me and the distance was temporary. Today, I look back with an intense feeling of accomplishment because I successfully completed one major goal in my life.

    However, I don’t think that route is for everyone. Military life has enough struggles in itself and adding college just complicates things immensely. People should go after what is important to them. If that’s a PhD, awesome. If it’s just getting out of bed before noon, you go Glen Coco. I saw a similar discussion (perhaps even the same one) on Facebook not too long ago and couldn’t help but wonder why everyone was getting so worked up about it. Ultimately, we’re all dealing with the same struggles and we, especially as spouses, should be supporting each other in whatever we decide to take on.

    Are you friends with the Marine Amor page, by any chance? I believe I recall seeing this convo on their page, so I was just curious!

    • That is where I saw it! Lol. I love that page, but sometimes the woman (or should I saw girls lol) can be very immature. But I think anytime you get that many females in one place you will get drama lol

      • Totally random, but I clicked on your FB link since you said you were friends with Marine Amor and we have another friend in common! Heather Cisneros. How do you know her? I just took her homecoming photos lol. We’ve been friends for years, we met online and became friends when we realized that we both go to San Diego State and are with Marines 🙂

      • Oh no way! I actually don’t know her that well… I think we’ve only talked a few times at the most, but she’s super sweet! My husband and I are stationed in Hawaii, so I answered a question she asked about living in KBay and added her to talk more about it. What a small world! Her homecoming pictures are fantastic!

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