“at least he isn’t deployed”

I wanted to write a post about something I’ve noticed among the Military Significant Other (Milso) community which, from my observations via FB and Instagram, mostly comes from younger military s/o who think their relationship is “better” because they are with somebody in the military. (see my previous post for my opinion on that issue)

The issue of “deserving” to miss your partner.

It tends to have many forms. My favorite example is the girl who sees a FB post of her friend complaining about missing her boyfriend while he is away for the weekend and proceeds to comment “at least he isn’t deployed like mine”.

First of all, thats just openly rude. Second of all, it’s like being mad at somebody for eating a cupcake because you’re on a diet. 

There is no comparison, and the whole “who has it worse” game has no winner. The Army wife can tell all the Marine wives that they don’t deserve to complain because they have 12 month deployments compared to 7 months. Then the Marine wives can all gang up on the Navy wives and their 6 month deployments. And the poor Air Force wives always loose with their 4 month deployments. (FYI – I’m generalizing the lengths of deployments, I know it varies depending on jobs within each branch). And let’s not forget the widows who will always “win”, they will never get to see their spouses again, so how dare everyone else complain about a deployment.

So let’s all stop that argument and agree that being away from the person you love sucks and you will miss them no matter how long of a time they are gone.

So why can’t civilian women miss their men when they are gone?

Just because it’s not 6 + months doesn’t mean they don’t miss them. I think it’s pretty normal, and healthy, to miss your partner when they are gone. I would be more concerned about their relationship if they didn’t miss them.

And finally, for a civilian, a weekend is a long time. For a military s/o, a weekend may seem like nothing, because we are used to more and we expect more. But civilian couples are not used to more, and there is nothing wrong with that.

So, in conclusion: Everyone “deserves” to miss their partner, no matter how long they are gone.

10 thoughts on ““at least he isn’t deployed”

  1. I hate this form of one-upsmanship. I hate it whether it is military spouses to civilian spouses, military spouses amongst themselves, or in reverse from civilian spouses (I have been told by a friend that, “I could never let my husband be in the military because I love him too much to be separated from him.”). It isn’t a competition people.

    I think if someone is talking about missing a spouse, the only thing really appropriate is to offer to chat or hang out if you can. Otherwise, just let it go.

    Thanks for the reminder.

    • Wow! I have never heard that from a civilian, that’s horrible! As if we don’t love our husbands because we chose to let them follow their dreams and have a career that they love. Good for you for letting that one go and being the bigger person.

    • That’s horrible. How about answering with “I love him enough to watch him walk away without showing him the tears.” I don’t think I could be a lady in that situation. I hold my tongue a lot more than I should, but I could definitely not hold it against someone claiming that I didn’t love my husband.

  2. I agree. I can’t say that it doesn’t make me twitch when I’m facing a longer separation, but I keep my mouth shut. Because I’m a lady. And ladies don’t act like that. I also despise not being able to complain at all because “welcome to the military!” It’s almost like everyone is in competition to see who can be the more long-suffering martyr, and therefore the better milspouse.

    • I forgot about that one, the “you knew what you were getting into”, therefore you are not allowed to complain. Yes, I knew. Doesn’t mean it still doesn’t suck sometimes

  3. I’ll admit the thought has crossed my mind from time to time, but mostly when it’s the same clingy woman over and over and over again. “I get it, you miss your husband, but you’ve said it 17 times already and he doesn’t leave until tomorrow.” These women make it seem like they are entirely incomplete without their spouse and I really do want to shout at them “Grow up, put on your big girl panties and deal with it for the weekend. He has a right to see his parents.” I don’t think that’s the same as lamenting the fact that your spouse will be away for a time or that your spouse will miss important events. We all miss our spouses when they are gone. We are used to having them around. But I’m halfway through a deployment and barely mention my husband on Facebook except to say “I love you” or “Good night” if I miss him on Skype. I actually had to remove a friend from my FB feed because every time her boyfriend (of a few months) went out of town to see his parents two hours away, my feed was bombed with “I miss him so much” and ” I can’t stand that he’s so far away” and other whiny, teenaged moaning. I mean, come on, she’s in her 30s, you’d think she’d be fine for a couple of days on her own.

  4. Unfortunately, most women do seem to make a competition out of it. And as you mentioned, the younger wives/girlfriends tend to feel superior to civilians. It’s crazy to
    see posts like that on Facebook. Most of the time I ignore it, but there have been those rare times that I felt the need to address the stupidity! haha
    Great post!

  5. Pingback: my challenge to fellow military spouses | look beyond the imperfections

  6. I really do love all of this. I mean most people don’t have their loved one risking their life in such a way, but they can still lose their SO too. I’ve been a part of the long distance crew with my man a few times and am pretty new to the milso side. Still I really never understood how it was so offensive when people miss their boyfriends for a week or two. Maybe it’s just because I’ve been there and I know it can seem like forever, especially in the beginning of a relationship. Even I just need to say I miss him sometimes, just like in other LDRs,

    I’ll admit I almost take it as a compliment when people say “I don’t know how you do it, I could never do that.” It really isn’t for everybody, it requires a strong mind and heart. I also have no doubt that the people who’ve told me these things couldn’t do it at some point with someone they love. My boyfriend wanted to do enlist years ago and none of us supported him. I’m glad he waited, and I’m so glad there is a community of military significant others who are great examples for dealing with the new life style.

    We chose this, I accept it, I know some day I’ll be sad, and I know I still have a life to live while he’s away. ♥

  7. Pingback: Missing Him | look beyond the imperfections

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